Back in the 1960’s Gonks were ‘must haves’ for every teenager - male and female. You simply had to have a Gonk!

Gonks came in all different shapes and sizes but basically were heads with arms and feet but no bodies (and rarely legs)!

There were Gonk Policemen; Gonk Monks; Gonk Nurses; Leprechaun Gonks; Viking Gonks and just about every other type of Gonk imaginable.

What do Gonks do?

Most Gonks are incredibly stupid and just bounce, whistle and talk nonsense.

How do Gonks Reproduce?

Gonks are essentially sexless. Outwardly they may appear to be of a particular gender, but inwardly they are all the same.

The only way that Gonks can reproduce is by people looking at them, then they automatically multiply.

Few original Gonks are still alive today as people eventually stopped looking at them which caused them to die out. However it is believed by many that they will make a huge comeback and even take over the world as they nearly did in the past!

A New breed of Micro-Gonks are here already many hiding in tins of beans. It’s extremely bad luck to eat a Gonk so inspect your beans carefully and remember as soon as you look at it, it will multiply!

The authorities would of course deny this as they don’t want to create panic although there is nothing to fear for ‘normal people’ as the Gonks need us to keep looking at them for their continuity. And of course they love us and are very friendly.

It must have been a terrible disappointment to everyone who thought that the world would end at the end of the Mayan calendar in December 2012 - especially if they maxed out their credit cards!  

But In fact when the Mayan calendar ended, the new Gonk calendar began and we are destined for 2000 years of Gonk dominance - but don’t worry remember they love us!

The monetary system that we have now will collapse (starting with the euro and followed almost instantly by sterling and the dollar) and will eventually be replaced by the Gonk ‘nug’ and Gonk ‘shekel’ (127 shekels to a nug - remember they are basically stupid)!

How will they have the power to take over the world?

Anyone who knows anything about sacred geometry will know the power in pyramids and tetrahedrons. And the shape of a Gonk is basically a ‘soft’ tetrahedron (although not necessarily equilateral) and this is where their power is generated from.

So what have Gonks got to do with music?

Some Gonks are pretty good musicians (well good blaggers anyway) and play the ‘Gonkwhistlephone’.

 So How Come you know so much about Gonks?

Well apparently I was born under a gooseberry bush in the Welsh Hills and as soon as my mother saw me she got up and ran as fast and far as possible. And there I laid cold, hungry and helpless with gooseberries dropping onto my naked body desperate for something to suck!

Fortunately  I was found by a family of passing Gonks who took me in and brought me up as their own.

I always had a feeling that I was different (from the Gonks) but didn’t really know for definite until I was a teenager when I reluctantly (after sad goodbyes) left my adoptive Gonk parents and went my own way in the world. But I took with me the knowledge  of the Gonkwhistlephone which unfortunately can only be played by Gonks!